Voldemort's Birthday Bash
by GaleLover8
Summary: How does Harry react when the Dark Lord loses his mind? His happiness now reaches no ends. This story's been read out loud on TV, so I guess it's worth a read? Haha! :D J.K. Rowling owns all the characters. In fact, she owns the whole series...
1. Harry Gets an Invitation

**Hi, guys! Welcome to the story I'm most proud of - the ultimate, most ridiculous comedy based on Harry Potter that you can find on this website. It starts from the beginning, so be prepared to meet the 11-year-old Harry Potter who has other ambitions than told in the book...**

"HARRY," Aunt Petunia snarled, "If I get ONE MORE LETTER from Hogwarts Academy for Challenged Children…"

"It's _Witchcraft _and_ Wizardry_," Harry spat.

"WHATEVER. Well, if ONE MORE infiltrates this household, you. Go. OUT."

"We're living in a stupid lighthouse on a stupid island in the middle of the sea," Harry mumbled. "What would I do, go swim with the mermaids?"

Not listening to any more, Petunia sent Harry to bed.

His "bed" was on the floor next to the fat Dudley snoring on the couch, and since it was his birthday, his uncle and aunt decided that it was okay if he didn't sleep in the broom-closet-sized bathroom.

Sighing, Harry dragged himself over to his "bed". _Happy eleventh birthday Harry_, he thought, and absent-mindedly drew a cake with candles in the dirt. He had just finished blowing out his dirt candles, when he heard a _thud_. Dudley sprang up, awake, and ran whimpering to the corner. Uncle Vernon, followed by his trembling wife, thumped downstairs.

"What in Hell—"

_THUD_. CRASH.

The door flew open, revealing the silhouette of a monster behind the lavender curtains. Everyone screamed. A giant with thick, curly black hair, a gigantic beard and mustache, and a protruding pot-belly lumbered over to Harry.

"'Arry Potter?" he growled, his eyes opening wide. "Oh boy oh boy! 'Ave YOU grown!"

Harry nodded uncertainly, posed in a Jiu Jitsu position he had learned from watching Dudley's class. "And…who are you?" he stammered, shaking.

"Her her her! Oi cannot believe oi forgot to introduce myself! 'I, Oi'm 'Agrid, keeper of the keys at 'Ogwarts." He stood with his chin in the air, his face bearing a proud look.

Hearing that, Harry flew into an excited speech. "Oh boy oh boy!" he said, bouncing up and down in place. "That means…that means…that you've come to admit me into _Hogwarts_! And that means…that means…that means…I'm…a…WIZARD!" Harry's eyes were shining. He hesitated for just a moment, but his eyes still shone. "But just because my parents were wizards, doesn't mean I'M one, I mean, I'm…" Harry paused. "…Just Harry. I mean, I've never done anything all cool and wizard-y and stuff. But if my _parents _were wizards, then don't I still have a _chance _of being one? Why else did I get all those letters?" He looked expectantly at Hagrid.

Hagrid guffawed. "What in the world, 'Arry? YOU, a WIZARD?" He choked and beat his chest. Harry looked dishearted. "Well, then, what was all that mail for, then?" he asked.

"Oh, that was just all prank mail," Hagrid said, rolling his eyes; then, casting a triumphant look at the Dursleys, he brought out a cake, chocolate with vanilla frosting and the words "Happee B'day Harry!" on top. Harry smiled and thanked Hagrid.

"So," Harry said with his mouth full, "if I'm _not _a wizard, then why have you come here, Agrid?"

Hagrid grinned and cleared his throat a little. He said in a majestic voice, "You, 'Arry James Potter, 'ave been invited to Voldemort's Birthday Party!"

"You mean," Harry gulped the last of his cake, "that I get to go to the birthday party of the person who killed my parents? That I was _invited_?"

Hagrid nodded, hoping for a furious reaction from Harry.

"AWESOME!" Harry shrieked, and dashed up to his uncle and aunt. "This is BETTER than being a wizard. Can I go? Can I go? Can I go? Please? Please? PLEASE?"

"Rid yourself of this house…_dear_," sniffed Aunt Petunia, shivering under Hagrid's glare.

"Oh boy oh boy oh BOY!" Harry yelled. "Hagrid, is it an all-night party?"

"Yes, 'Arry, so go get a change of clo'es, a sleeping-bag, and a too'brush."

"…the present?"

"Oh, we'll boi one along the way."

Brimming with anticipation Harry gathered his supplies (from Dudley's room, a sleeping bag) as instructed, and walked out the door with Hagrid, nodding a goodbye to the open-mouthed, gaping Dursleys.

Once outside, Hagrid leaned over and reached into a bush, pulling out a shiny blue cup with handles, moistened and dripping because of the rain.

Harry gasped. "Is that…"

Hagrid looked proud again. "As a matter of fact, it _is_!"

Harry's eyes widened until Hagrid thought they would pop.

"Put your hands on it, _quick_!" Hagrid said urgently, touching the rim.

Harry hesitated. "But isn't that where wizards put their—"

"NOW!" Hagrid barked.

Terrified, Harry grabbed the cup, just as they flew in the air sprinning 'round and 'round. At last, Hagrid screamed, "LET GO!" to Harry, and Harry, wincing, let go. He slammed on the ground on his shoulder, breathed deeply, and sat up grinning at Hagrid despite the pain, who had landed quite gracefully for his weight.

"Hey, wizard toilet seats are more useful than I thought!"

Hagrid gave him a queer look.

"Um, 'Arry, that was the Tri-Wizard cup, the 'ighest 'onor in wizard society, 'long with a Portkey, the only no'-muggle way of transpor'ation allowing muggles 'o come with."

"Ohhhhhhh." Harry felt his cheeks burn. "So, uh…why did Voldemort kill my parents again, Agrid?" he asked innocently, walking with Hagrid through a friendly-looking neighborhood with autumn leaves decorating each front yard. He guessed that this was Voldemort's neighborhood.

"You SEE," Hagrid brought his voice down to a whisper, "when Voldemort was younger, he'd invited you, as a baby, to his birthday party. Unfortunately, your parents thought against it, and since they didn't RSVP, he killed them. He decided to just invite you to his party once again, ten years later, instead of harming you."

"But that means..." Harry said quietly, "...that our birthday are on the same day!"

"Nah, he just celebrates a few days late."

"Oh, I see."

They walked the rest of the way silently, up to a peach two-story house that looked very pleasant. There were two hot pink balloons on the mailbox that read, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VOLDY!

Harry suddenly realized something. "Oh my GOSH!" he hissed. "We forgot the PRESENT!"

But it was too late. Hagrid had already rang the doorbell.

**You likey? You no likey? Reviews, please!**

**Gale**


	2. Sorcerer's Stone, or Stupid Rock?

**Thanks so much for the reviews! Here's the next chapter...**

The door was opened by a middle-aged purple-skinned monster, with two holes for his nose. He was wearing a bright pink tutu and carrying a glittery, shiny matching pink magic wand.

"HARRY POTTER!" he screamed, giving Harry a bear hug. "Hi, I'm Voldemort, and I killed your parents! Welcome to my birthday bash! Where's my present?"

"Hey, Voldemort," Harry saluted him coolly, leaning in the doorway. "I think you're awesome. And sorry, I kind of forgot your present...but I promise I'll bring it by your house tomorrow! Is that okay with you? I'm sure it is - you're so cool!"

Voldemort was fuming. "You. Forgot. My. PRESENT?" he bellowed, falling to the floor and thrashing around. Then he stood up, took his palms, and hit Harry with such force backwards, the latter went tumbling into the thorny rosebushes. "How DARE you come here without a PRESENT?"

Harry was shaking. "Uuhh...umm...well..."

Hagrid saved the day. "'ey, Voldemort! Guess what! I 'ave this incredible pres'nt for you! I just remembered...it was supposed 'o be 'Top Secret', but who cares what that ol' fool Dumbledore says! 'Ere!" he reached into his coat pocket, and took out a small package, wrapped in a paper bag with a pink ribbon on top. _Old people seem to like that color_, Harry thought scornfully.

Voldemort greedily grabbed the present from Hagrid's hands and started unwrapping the present. "Is it a Barbie head?" he said with enthusiasm, ripping the paper off. "I _love_hanging them off the end of ropes! Then I pour cranberry juice all over and pretend it's Dumbledore!" Finally, Voldemort finished extricating the present from the wrapping paper, and looked at it intently.

"It's a ROCK."

Silence.

"WHAT THE HELL AM I EVER GOING TO DO WITH A STUPID ROCK? Harry Potter, you RUINED my birthday!" he started sniffing. "And I'm going to KILL you for this! AVARA-"

"EXPECTO PRESENTUS!" Hagrid said, and a huge wrapped present fell to the ground, thumping the floor near the light Voldemort had sent from his bright pink wand. However, it was too late.

The light had already hit Harry.

"Pshh," Harry snorted, leaning on his other leg, "What would THAT ever do? You can't expect to pretend to cast some sort of a kids' fake magic show spell and get away with it! Just accept the rock, and be thankful for the amazing present that Hagri-er-WE got for you."

"Fine," Voldemort grumbled. He let Harry inside, and waved miserably to Hagrid. Then, he beckoned all his invitees to the center of the living room. "THIS," he said, pointing at Harry, "is Harry Potter. Please, all, introduce yourselves and get it over with so we can tell bedtime stories around a fire."

The crowd was filled with gasps of horror. "Harry POTTER?" "Harry Potter!" "Harry..._Potter_?" "OMG IT'S HARRY I NEED AN AUTOGRAPH!" "Um...does he have a girlfriend yet?" "Whatever! Who cares about Harry Potter? Hello guys, this is VOLDY'S party. GIVE. HIM. SOME. **RESPECT**!" This last comment came from a blond, blue-eyed boy of about the same age as Harry. "I'm Draco," he said, shaking Harry's hand. A redhead, also about Harry's age, snorted and a brunette next to him shushed him. "Find that FUNNY?" Draco snarled, his blue eyes piercing.

"Uhm...no?" the redhead stammered, backing into a corner.

"Well. Anyways, I'm Draco...Draco Malfoy," the blond boy said again. "Yeah, and I'm going to be in Slytherin tomorrow, you'd better believe it. Are you some sort of a wizard, Harry Potter?"

Harry shook his head. "Nope. Hagrid just laughed when I asked him."

"Oh. Well, bye!" Malfoy ran to the family room and started slicing off Barbie heads with his knife. The whole group took his lead.

Voldemort still looked furious. He was in a corner, sniffing with contempt. Harry went over to him - he felt sorry. Even he would have been a little less happy if he had gotten a rock for his birthday. "Heyy," he said to Voldemort, going to stand next to him. "I'm so sorry about the suckish present. I swear, I'll come by tomorrow and get you something better."

Voldemort just shrugged. "No, it's okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah, get me a really good, expensive one on Friday. It'll make up for the rock."

This made Harry giggle foolishly. "Uhh...Voldemort, wanna be best friends forever?"

Voldemort gave him a funny look. "Are you okay?"

Harry sighed and looked down. "No."

"Go get some water. Water puts sense in my head."

"Ah, okay. Thanks." Harry walked over to the kitchen, and took a glass out of the cupboard. He went to the fridge and pressed the button that said WATER, waiting for the clear liquid to appear. What appeared was not transparent.

Harry looked at the dark red liquid in his cup.

"Voldemort is a VAMPIRE!" he screamed, making all the guests go mad. "He drinks BLOOD! Run! RUUUUUUNNNNNN!"

Voldemort came over to Harry with a calm and dignified look on his face.

"WELL?" Harry said, his teeth clenched, as he came face-to-face with Voldemort. "What are you going to do, NOW? You tried to SUCK THE BLOOD OUT OF YOUR OWN PARTY GUESTS!"

"Harry," Voldemort said wearily, "That's cherry punch. I can get you some water if you don't like it."

**Also, thanks to those of you who alerted & favorited. It means a lot to me. :D**

**Gale (Hah, I'm a girl, if you're confused ;P)**


	3. Voldemort's Gangster Clothes

**Heyas, I'm glad you liked it! I don't have much time for this chapter, only a couple minutes or so, but I'm putting in the time anyway because you guys are so sweet.**

Harry looked down at the floor. He'd never, in all his eleven years, been humiliated like this. All the other kids were snickering at him, and Harry felt completely out of place in this party filled with different kinds of wizards. The only person who seemed to feel a little sad for him would probably be Voldemort, who came to him and sat down.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you for giving me a rock," he sighed. Harry just shrugged, and stared emptily into space.

"I'm sorry," Voldemort said again to Harry. "I just don't like it when people give me rocks for my birthday. You know, what I'd _really _like for my birthday is this one chain with this one special locket. Do you know what it's called?" Harry shook his head. "It's called a Horcrux. Horcruxes are _awesome_. Do you know what they do?"

Harry was a little more interested now. "No, what do they do?" he asked.

Voldemort took a deep breath, getting ready to hone in on a topic of importance. Harry paid close attention. "Well, they look AMAZING with gangster clothes!" he raised his voice excitedly. "Have you ever tried on a gangster outfit, Harry? No, I didn't think so. Gangster outfits would look ridiculous on _some _people..." (at this point he pointed to a pasty individual of about 12) "...that's Neville, Neville Longbottom. I'd kill him sooner, since he RSVP'd three minutes late."

"That's terrible!" Harry said seriously. He'd never imagined RSVP'ing late in his life. Wait...he had never RSVP'd to Voldemort's party, had he? Oh, Hagrid must have done that for him.

"Anyways," Voldemort continued, "Neville is not only too fat, he is also way too tall. Therefore, he is not right to put on a gangster outfit." Harry disagreed with this statement, but he didn't dare contradict Voldemort, who continued. "But, Harry, you are the perfect height, the perfect width, the perfect length, and the perfect volume. _You _could wear a gangster outfit! And the ultimate...the ULTIMATE accessory to go with your gangster outfit iiiiissssss..." he waited for Harry to answer.

"A HORCRUX!" Harry yelled happily. He knew that because of this darling Voldemort, his all-time records of style would be shooting sky high.

**Damn, that was short...sorry...but I'll update with a bigger chapter later! Reviews? :3**

**Gale**


	4. The Costume Competition of Doom

**And it goes on.**

"OKAY!" Voldemort's rough voice rang all around the house. "It's time for the COSTUME COMPETITION! Here are the rules. There is a treasure chest with a truckload of costumes up in the main area, and everyone has to run there when I blow the whistle. Then, boys dress like gangsters and girls dress like sugar-plum fairies, and all of you have to have the RIGHT clothing and , at the end of the time limit, it is MY turn - and I judge you aaaaallll! Ooh ooh and PLUS, the winner gets the special ROCK that Harry here gave me!"

Murmurs could be heard around the room. "How fun!", "I am SOOOO gonna win this thing!", "Dude, gangsters are _awesome_!", "Maybe if I wear the rock, I can be Harry's girlfriend!", "Ron! Get ready! Don't smirk at me!"

Voldemort blew the whistle. At once, a flurry of children ran this way and that, trying to find the treasure chest. Suddenly, Neville Longbottom gave a cry.

"I FOUND it!" he screamed, and all the children dashed towards the noise. Harry ran with them, and could already hear squeals of joy from up ahead, where people were finding the "perfect" things to wear. Suddenly, he spotted something - a small, icy fountain. He went and peered inside - and saw what he had been wanting to get his hands on for the last five minutes.

A horcrux.

Harry's heart beat fast. A horcrux was all he needed to win this competition - just put a few rips in his clothes, sag his pants a bit, mess up his hair, take off his glasses, add a tattoo for good measure, and - put that priceless _horcrux _around his neck.

Harry's mouth watered and his hands became cold and sweaty. He had to use all his efforts to keep his tongue in his mouth. Reaching down, he - wait - he couldn't reach down. Ice was blocking his path.

"Oh, NO!" Harry started wailing. His only hope was the horcrux, his precious horcrux...and he couldn't get down to it.

"Here, lemme help you widdat," the red head said, coming around to Harry. "I know a spell that might solve it! It won't break the ice, but the horcrux may fly out of the fountain thingy, whatever that is," said the boy, his eyes glowing. "Hi, I'm Ronald Weasley. But you can call me Ron, and I loooove MAGIC! See? Watch, I'll make that chair over there fly. WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!"

The chair stood still, and Harry gave Ron a skeptical look. "What the flippit, Ron. You know that chair can't fly."

"It can bloody hell _too_," Ron said defensively. "Here, watch, I'll do it again - "

"Shut up, Ron," said Hermione authoritatively, walking up to the boys. "First of all, it's Wingardium Levi O sa, not LevioSAAA!" she flipped her hair. "Just watch _me_, the awesome_Hermione Granger_ do it - I'm _so _much better than _you _are! And that's why Dumbledore gave me this awesome time-turner so I can take _multiple _classes, not just _10 _like _you _doofuses."

With that, Hermione took out her wand, and screamed "WINGARDIUM LEVI*O*SA," swished it around, and BOOM there was a piercing light that came from her wand. A cat me-owed and Harry stared at what could be in wonder.

"Oh. My. God." Ron's breath was short.

Harry stared. He'd never thought he'd see something like this, and he hoped he never would.

Nothing had happened.

"Oooooh, ooooooh," Malfoy taunted, "The great HERMIONE GRANGER couldn't DO anything, COULD she now!" he snorted and started dancing the tango with Neville, in glee.

Harry felt bad for Hermione. "Don't worry, Hermione," he said kindly. "You'll get it sometime."

"OH MY GOSH!" Neville, who had finally untangled himself from Draco Malfoy's arms, had gone outside and suddenly gave a shriek.

"What is it?" everyone else cried. Voldemort ran over to Neville, and almost fainted.

"HERMIONE MADE THE WHOLE BLOODY HOUSE FLY!"

**Hahaha reviews? That would make my life!(;**

**Gale**


	5. Hermione Makes the House Fly

**You guys are cuties. Thanks so much! You guys are very appreciated. :D**

Ron started screaming and running around. "GET A FLY-SWATTER! I DON'T LIKE HOUSE FLIES!"

"_No_, you idiot, the HOUSE is FLYING!" Hermione shrieked, and then gasped. "I have so much POWER! This is freaking AWESOME!"

However, Hermione was the only person in the whole room that seemed to be happy. Everyone else was going mad. Harry was hyperventilating, and he felt like he could fly off of the ground.

"Harry, your hyperventilation is going to keep this house afloat," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "Calm _down_!"

"Yeah, it's not as if we're _falling_," Neville said with a straight face, and Harry could tell he was trying not to burst into tears.

"Listen," Voldemort smirked. "I'm so smart, I bet _I _could get this house back down before you losers. Watch this. I have the one spell that can fix it all."

Everyone gathered around as Voldemort, looking like an angel (with an ugly face) of death, lifted his wand and pointed it to the sky.

"EXPECTO PATRONUS!" he screamed. (Well, he's a guy, so he grunted rather than screamed.)

A deer came walking up to Voldemort. It was beautiful, and it had silvery skin that radiated a glamorous shine. "Whaddya want?" it snorted at Voldemort. "I don't have much time, but just _say it _already! I have an appointment at the _nail salon_!"

"Listen, I need you to push this house back down to the ground," Voldemort growled. Harry winced at his tone; shouldn't he have been treating his patronus a little bit nicer?

"Uhhhh, _no_?" it flipped its small amount of mane at the top of its head. "I, like, have to go, _now_. So BYE!" With one last head flip, the deer stalked off.

"Last time I checked," Draco Malfoy said, biting into an apple, "Your patronus was a snake. What happened to that?"

"Well," Voldemort said seriously, "I sort of tried to charm it. With a pan flute, I mean. And it didn't exactly work out..."

"ENOUGH!" Hermione bellowed, suddenly aware that they were past the height of Mount Everest, in the air. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW? YOUR OVER-BEAUTIFIED ANIMAL FRIEND DIDN'T EXACTLY HELP!"

Voldemort looked solemnly at Hermione. "Well, we're all gonna die - "

"NO," Hermione said stiffly. "I am TOO young to die. YOU all can go ahead and die, but I'M not, I'm telling you that much."

"Uhhhh..." Voldemort snickered. "So...how are you going to fix this, Hermione? Let's see if you can live."

"Ya okay," she said, sniffing. "DESCENDO!"

Slowly, Harry sensed the house lowering itself...and then its speed increased, and increased, and increased.

"Hermione, we're freaking FREE-FALLING TO THE GROUND!" Draco Malfoy yelled.

And then Harry knew what to do. "ASCENDO!" he yelled, grabbing Malfoy's wand out of his hand and swishing it dramatically in the air.

"Uh...Harry? You're not a wizard...", Ron said awkwardly.

"Oops," Harry blushed deeply. "I totally knew that."

Draco was trying to stifle a womanlike giggle. "Ha ha," he taunted Harry, "Potter isn't a wiiiiizarrrrd like the rest of uuuuuuuu-uuuuusssssss!"

"I'm _so _not jealous," Harry smirked, putting his hands on his hips. "I'm, like, _wayy _more mature than you. Like, _wayy_."

"Yeah, we can tell," Hermione laughed. "Anyways, I got another one that will save our lives!" She grabbed her wand and yelled, "PROTEGO VOLDEMORTUM!" and the whole house seemed to slow to a stop in mid-air. Harry realized that they had finally reached the ground, and Hermione had saved all of their lives with her smarticles.

"Wowwwwww..." Harry gasped. He had never been on such an incredible magical adventure, before! He wondered what to do next.

"So...What next?" he asked Voldemort.

"WELL," Voldemort yelled to the whole crowd, which was chattering excitedly. "It's time for the SLUMBER PARTY!"

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh BOY!" Harry screamed in ecstasy.

**...that was absolutely ridiculous. Oh well. Ahahahahha(: Reviews?**

**Gale**


	6. Malfoy Finds His Love At Last

**Next chapter! Thanks for reviewing!(:**

Harry set his sleeping bag between Hermione's and Ron's. This seemed to make the latter two a bit annoyed - Harry wondered why - and he nodded curtly at Malfoy, who was staring at him with his mouth wide open.

"Uh, why is everyone looking at me like that?" Harry asked uncertainly. It was true; the whole room of people was staring at him. Even the walls and the windows and the fire in the fireplace were finding him interesting.

"IT'S BECAUSE NAGINI IS ON YOUR HEAD!" Ron screamed.

"What the flippit is Nagini?" Harry laughed. "Sounds like a brand of diapers!"

"NAGINI IS A SNAKE!" Hermione yelled. "A SNAKE THAT CAN SQUEEZE YOUR LUNGS OUT!"

That convinced Harry that Nagini wasn't a good thing. Yelling and stomping his feet, Harry tried to rid of the snake that he finally realized was on his head, but his endeavors proved no success.

Nagini finally slithered down from Harry's head. The snake flipped its head. "Like, _Harry_, I was just like taking a pee! Can't you leave me alone?"

Harry mouth hung open, wider than Malfoy's had. "You...TALK?" he freaked out. "OMG, GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"She's not going to hurt you," Voldemort assured Harry. "She's my pet! Don't you love her?" Nagini tossed her head again and went over to Voldemort, who lovingly caressed the snake's smooth skin. "_Nagini_," he said in a soft, drawling tone. "You need to apply your mascara again! It's running!" Harry raised his eyebrows, and Voldemort shut his mouth.

"Anyways," he said, coughing, "It's time for the SLUMBER PARTY PORTION! Everyone, get in your sleeping bags and we'll have some FUN!" Voldemort let Nagini go, and she slithered under his bed.

Once everyone had snuggled in to their sleeping bags, Ron proposed that they should play Spin-The-Bottle.

"GREAT idea!" everyone yelled, and Voldemort brought down an empty beer bottle from his computer desk. "Okay," he said, spinning it, "so the person this bottle stops on first is the person asking the question, and the person this bottle stops on second is the person who is answering it!" Everyone nodded in agreement, and soon the bottle came to a stop in front of Harry.

"Oh boy oh BOY!" Harry said excitedly. "Now I get to ask a question! Okay. So. To whomever this lands on, who has always been your crush?"

"Such an ORIGINAL QUESTION," Voldemort crowed, obviously pleased. "I've never heard that one, before! It's usually 'how many Bertie Bott's Every-Flavored beans can you stuff up your butt in a minute?' Then Ron always ends up with the answer spin. That's so cool, Harry! Thanks for asking!" With that, he spun the bottle again with a reminder that it could stop on Harry again.

However, Harry didn't have to worry - it stopped on Draco Malfoy.

"Uhh..." Malfoy stuttered. "Well...my crush...has always been..." he sighed. "Neville Longbottom. I mean, he's so tall and cute and stuff, and I think he is truly adorable, like a fluffy little bunny rabbit!" he smiled.

"OH MY GOSH!" Neville had a horrified look on his face. "I WAS GOING TO SAY THE SAME THING! About you, I mean. But, I wanted to be the first one to reveal my secrets. How dare you, Draco?"

Draco gasped. "REALLY? Well - "

At this point, Voldemort interrupted them. "This isn't a party for matchmaking," he snarled, and then softened. "But I'm glad you two have found each other. NEXT!" he spun the bottle again.

"YAY!" screamed Luna Lovegood, the blonde who the bottle was pointing towards. "Um...let's see..." she said, batting her eyelashes. "Would you guys rather shop for clothes at American Owl or Aberforth & Filch?"

Voldemort nodded and spun the bottle, which ended up pointing at Ron.

"Uh...the truth _is_..." he sighed. "I don't shop for my clothes. My mother buys them for me."

"WHAAAAAAT?" everyone screamed. They started laughing and pointing at Ron.

"Silence, guys," Voldemort laughed. "So, Ron, where does your _mom _buy your clothes?"

"Probably from the Salazar Army," Harry snickered.

"Don't be rude, Harry," Luna frowned. "I think it's really smart of Ron's family to save so much money. They're probably in an economic crisis."

"What the flippit, Luna," Harry said indignantly, "We're WIZARDS. We can make money appear out of THIN AIR!"

"True _that_," Luna observed.

"Okay, NEXT!" Voldemort said impatiently. "Let's spin the bottle! Hermione, _you _can spin it."

So Hermione spun the bottle, and, of course, it landed on herself. "Okay guys, here's my question," she said. "We all know that Albus Dumbledore is evil, right? So, if he made his delicious cookies, would you join the dark side?"

Everyone's breath stopped.

No one had ever dared even _mention _Dumbledore's cookies before. Now that Hermione had uttered the word, the magical powers would pull Dumbledore to Harry Potter, the one he'd been searching for his whole life.

To kill him.

(And then take any spare cash left in his pockets! Dumbledore would love to buy some beer on his way back to Hogwarts.)

**Ahem. Dumbledore seems a little drunk sometimes, I guess. Maybe he'll buy some Budweiser. I don't know.**

**Gale**


	7. Don't You Dare Insult Dumbledore

**TuesdayNovember and sockhergurl, I want to thank you for the adorable reviews you give me. They bring tears to my eyes. Thank you sooooo much. *huggle***

All of a sudden, Neville Longbottom gave a shriek. "I FEEL DUMBLEDORE'S PRESENCE!" he started jumping in joy. "OMG! Does this mean we get to FINALLY observe a duel between the two best wizards of ALL TIME?"

Harry's face was shining. "Like, you mean, me? The boy who lived? I want to kill this Dumbledore! He sounds dumb. Like, Dumb-hell-door. HAHA!"

"DON'T insult Dumbledore!" Hermione said, her face red. "He is THE greatest wizard OF ALL TIME! You had better not go around saying bad things about him, now! Shame, Harry, SHAME."

"Hey," Harry warned in a low, dangerous voice. "I'm Harry Potter. The boy who lived. I'm Harry POTTER, and you canNOT insult Harry Potter, because Harry Potter is the boy who lived, and that's me. I am the boy who lived. The boy who lived is Harry Potter. I AM HARRY POTTER!"

Hermione took a few steps back, seeing that Harry was seriously enraged, and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Harry, but even if you're the Boy Who Lived, you have serious anger issues and you need to fix them, quick."

By now, Harry was fuming. "Oh my GOSH! I canNOT beLIEVE that you just said that THE Harry Potter, the boy who LIVED, has ANGER ISSUES? Well, Hermione, let me tell you just what I think of YOU. You are a stupid, mudblood wizard that is totally...MUDBLOOD! and NOT SMART! Because, you know, you're NOT! so HA! Beat THAT argument!"

Hearing this, Hermione started to cry. Her lips trembled. "H-h-harry, I never thought you would call me a MUDBLOOD! I mean, out of all names! It's not fair that I was born underprivileged, at least more than the famous Harry Potter!"

"Hermione." Harry's eyes were red, and his whole body was shaking. "I LIVED IN A FLIPPING BROOM CLOSET! HOW IN THE WORLD COULD YOU THINK I WAS PRIVILEGED? I MEAN, WHAT THE FLIPPIT!"

"Heh. Heh." Hermione seemed embarrassed now. She'd turned beet red, and was sweating buckets. "I...like...cookies..."

"WHAT?" Harry said, annoyed. He liked to argue; that's why he had taken the best speech-and-debate class in the whole of Britain. So far, he thought he'd been pretty smart at arguing: for example, his last argument.

Slowly, Hermione lifted a finger and pointed it to behind Harry. The other children and Voldemort, who had excitedly been watching the heated conversation, had all turned to look behind Harry. With small movements, Harry turned around to face his one true enemy in the whole universe.

Dumbledore.

**Hehehe. Mwahahahaa. Reviews, pweese?**

**Gale**


	8. What The Flippit?

**Soo sorri for the delay! But I was working on my other fanfic, Timeless, and I was wondering if you'd like to read that. It's Hunger Games. Gale x Katniss FTW. Actually, let me rephrase that. ME x Gale FTW. But that's Gale x Gale. Never mind, I'm just confusing myself. On with the story.**

DUMBLEDORE.

"OH HELLO HARRY!" Dumbledore, a senior with a large white beard started jumping up and down. "I'm here! I heard there was a PLAYDATE at Voldemort's, so I decided to come and have some FUN!"

"See, at least _he's _nice," Harry mumbled, and everyone gave him glares.

"Anyways, wanna have a DUEL?" Dumbledore said with enthusiasm.

"Um, okay...?" Harry said. Suddenly, all the anger that had been trapped inside of him boiled and overflowed. "OH MY FLIPPIT GOSH! I MEAN WHAT THE FLIPPIT, GUYS! I CAME HERE TO VOLDEMORT'S BIRTHDAY PARTY SO THAT WE WOULD DO SOMETHING FUN LIKE PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE OR MARIOKART, BUT WHAT TO I GET INSTEAD? A BRUNETTE INSULTING THE BOY WHO LIVED, A FLYING HOUSE AND A BUNCH OF NUTTY KIDS AND AN OLD MAN WITH A GIANT BEARD WHO CAME HERE TO PLAY WITH ME. I MEAN... WHAT. THE. _FLIPPIT_!"

"You want the truth?" Voldemort asked calmly.

"WHAT?" Harry pouted, deflating just a little.

"You say 'what the flippit' a bit too much, if you haven't noticed," he snickered.

Pretty soon, the whole room started laughing, and Voldemort had once again succeeded in lightening the mood with his clever brain. "What the flippit," all the kids chanted. "What the flippit, Flippit, FLIPPIT!"

The only person who took this the wrong was, of course, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. However, even _he _wasn't as furious as before.

"_Must _you insist on me changing my habits?" he snarled, but crossed his arms and stood still as he watched everyone make fun of him. He even smiled as Ron went overboard and tripped over his shoelaces while running around the room, a couple of times.

After five minutes, everyone remembered that Harry's worst enemy, Dumbledore, was present in the room.

"OH NO!" a boy named Seamus Finnigan shrieked. "WHERE IS DUMBLEDORE?"

"_Hey_," Dumbledore shouted from the end of the formed conga-line. "Let me enjoy and have fun!"

"But when will we get to watch our _duel_?" Harry groaned. "I wanna watch it _now_!"

"Okay, here goes," Dumbledore said. Brandishing their wands, Dumbledore and Voldemort walked over to each other, did a fist-pump, and walked over to the same side. They talked amongst themselves for a few minutes, and then nodded and turned to Harry.

"All right we're ready Harry," they said. Harry raised an eyebrow. "So...aren't you going to fight? Go right ahead!"

"_No_,_ Harry_," they both said in an eerie voice. "We're going to fight _you_."

**Likey? No likey? Review and tell me!**

**Gale**


	9. You're NOT A WIZARD, Harry!

**I am about to describe a most terrible scene.**

Harry gaped at Dumbledore and Voldemort. "You mean...you mean...you mean...that..." he gulped. "_I _have to fight?"

Dumbledore nodded slowly. "As the heir of the dark lord, it is your duty to fight us."

"Oh boy oh BOY!" Harry shrieked. "I get to fight Dark Lord VOLDEMORT! _Plus_, I get cookies after I go to the dark side! This is awesome! I totally surrender!"

Dumbledore and Voldemort gave him a weird look. "Cookies?"

"Yeah, don't you guys have fresh cookies because you're on the dark side?"

Dumbledore and Voldemort got even more befuddled.

"Oh, _whatever_," Harry rolled his eyes. "You guys are, like, totally bogus. Oh well...shall we get this fight on? First, we bow, right? And then, and then, and then we take out our wands, and then we fight! It's ON!" He reached into his pocket. "Oh no, where's my wand? WHERE'S MY WAND?"

"YOU'RE NOT A WIZARD, _STUPID_!" the whole room chorused.

"Ha..ha..right," Harry said, his cheeks turning red. "Well then, how do I fight?" he asked, confused.

"FISTFIGHT!" Dumbledore screamed, ran over, and started pounding Harry with his fists.

"Ow! ow! Ow! OW! _OWWIEEE!_" Harry bellowed, and started socking Dumbledore, back. Suddenly out of nowhere, Draco Malfoy shouted "RIDICULUS!" and a man with long, black hair and a screwed-up face stumbled towards them, wearing a clown costume.

"OMG! It's SNAPE!" the whole room went crazy. Everybody started running around and waving their arms in the air. Police sirens sounded, and police crashed through the door to demand to know what was going on.

The police saw what was probably the most awkward and incredibly pathetic scenery in their lives.

A tall, white-bearded man was punching an eleven-year-old, black-haired boy who had a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead. A brunette was grabbing a redhead by his ear, and pounding his head with a book entitled "Advanced Herbology for Smartasses". Meanwhile, a blonde boy and another brown-haired boy were dancing the tango in the edge of the room. The whole crowded room with sleeping bags, empty beer bottles, and discarded costumes was scattered and looked like a dump. Bright red "juice" was coming out of the fridge, and a deer sat in middle of everything, filing its nails.

Needless to say, the policemen ran away screaming.

**I'm not French. I'm brown.**

**Gale**


	10. Voldemort's Normal Party

**Incredibly sorry about the delay, here's a long one to make up for it!**

"Harry..." Ron said sadly, after the police had left. Harry looked at Ron. "What?"

"I want to get a new wand!" Ron started crying. "My wants made with _phoenix feather_, and I wanted _peacock feather_!"

"Same thing," Harry rolled his eyes. "Stop being such a pussy, Ron."

"Harry, I've noticed...why are you so RUDE?" Hermione stormed at Harry, who was taken aback.

"Me?" he asked in astonishment and fury. "ME?"

"YES, you," Hermione snarled, and went to comfort the pouting Ron. "It's okay, sweetie," she told him. "Just let's go over to Borgin & Burkes **(did I spell that right?) **and I'll buy you a brand new wand. It can be your second birthday present."

"Really?" Ron sniffed, wiping his eyes. "You would _do _that, Hermione?"

"I would, for _you_, Ronniepoo," she whispered.

"Oh, ENOUGH with the drama," Voldemort yelled, and the whole crowd turned to him. "So what are we going to do now? I thought I'd have a normal birthday party for _once_ but noooo, Light Lord Dumbledore shows up - "

"Oh, so you call 546 pounds _light_? You little - "

"NO, Dumbledore, I meant the OTHER meaning of light. Now shut up and listen. So anyways, then the house goes flying, we have a fistfight, Draco and Neville can't get their hands off each other - I mean...WHAT IS THIS? Now we shall have a normal party, and you shall enjoy it."

No one dared contradict the Dark Lord. They all nodded quickly and nervously, and Ron asked "So what are we doing first...at your...uh...normal party?"

"We're going to gamble for elves at the North Pole! Let's go!" yelled Voldemort, and the whole room cheered. "First thing we need to do...HERMIONE! Get over here and make the house fly!"

"But I don't _like _houseflies!" Ron whined, and Malfoy stomped over to him. "Idiot! HE TOLD HERMIONE TO USE MAGIC TO MAKE THE HOUSE..._FLY_."

"Oooooohhhhhhh," Ron nodded. "I _totally _get it now," and Draco Malfoy finally smiled.

"Wingardium Levi_O_sa!" Hermione screamed, and Harry and the other children felt themselves drift off the ground again. "Who wants to watch the movie _Up_?" Neville asked, and everyone eagerly nodded and sat down in front of the 64-inch plasma-screen TV.

Finally, the house landed in...fluff. The wind blew so hard that the roof almost came off, but Hermione insisted on using her special $200 fabric glue from Aberforth & Filch to glue the roof to the walls. Needless to say, it worked like _magic_. Excuse the pun.

"Awh, I wish Kevin was still with Russell. He was such a cute little birdie and I love him," Ron sighed.

"Really, Ron? Out of _everyone _in this _world _you could love, including _me_, you chose an _ostrich_?" Hermione snarled, her face crimson.

"What? Hermione, I was just kidding..." Ron said, and Hermione's face turned its normal shade of pink again. "Oh, okay!" she said happily.

"Everyone...we have REACHED...our destination. Now I shall take roll to make sure no one fell out of the house or anything, on our flight here. And if they did, too bad for them. I'm too lazy to go and save their sorry butts. NOW.

"Harry Potter?"

"Here!"

"Hermione Granger?"

"At your service, master."

"Ronald Weasley?"

Silence.

"RONALD WEASLEY?"

Hermione nudged Ron. "RON!" she hissed. "You have the attention span of a flippin _teaspoon_! Now say _here_!"

"Uh...here?" Ron asked, with a mouthful of peanuts.

The Dark Lord rolled his eyes. "Neville Longbottom?"

"Here!"

"Draco Malfoy?"

"With love."

"What is THAT supposed to mean?"

"Oh sorry Voldy...I thought you were Neville."

"DON'T call me Voldy! I absolutely _despise _that nickname!"

"Sorry, Voldy."

Voldemort scowled. "Severus Snape?"

"I think I hear a mysterious ticking noise..."

"IT'S A PIPE BOMB!" Ron and Harry shrieked, and the whole house blew apart at that instant. The extreme force threw Harry and Ron against some trees, and when they looked up, they saw Santa Claus on skis, heading right towards them.

"RUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!" Harry bellowed.

**Heh. Credits to Potter Puppet Pals on YouTube.**

**Gale**


	11. Santa Claus AKA Barty Crouch Jr

**Thanks immensely for the reviews, and favoriting, and alerting! Love you all!(:**

Harry jumped to his feet and sprinted out of the way. A huge man with a giant pot-belly was skiing down towards them, screaming "HO HO HO!" Ron's eyes bugged out of his head as he bellowed "LOOK OUT!" and ran as fast as he could behind Harry. Fortunately, they were both out of the way when Santa Claus came tumbling down the snowy mountain, head-over-heels, and landed face-down on the soft snow.

"Hey...are you okay?" Harry asked cautiously, trying in vain to help Santa up.

"Wh-where is this place?" Ron asked, shivering. "Where'd everybody go?"

"I don't know," Harry murmured, trying to calm Santa down, who was whimpering. "Santa, we actually came here to gamble for elves. Is there some kind of a hotel and casino, or something, near your workshop?"

"Ho ho ho," Santa laughed, suddenly changing from shy to outgoing. "Come with me, and I'll give you some milk and cookies to delight your tummies. And Why ... IT IS HARRY POTTER! Fate has brought the infamous Harry Potter to me! And his friend...Ron...Weaseltongue, is that right?"

"Actually no, Santa Sir, it is Weasley," Ron said in his squeaky voice.

"Oh, a young lad, only just going through puberty! Your parents must be proud. Anyhow, shall you join me tonight in my workshop...that IS a casino?"

Harry and Ron gave each other skeptical looks. "Uh...Okay, let's go?" Harry said, not sure of himself. "Come on, Ron. Let's go," he said a second time, this time more decisively, and dragged Ron behind the strutting Santa.

"Harry, are you sure we're doing the right thing?" Ron whispered, as he saw Santa take a drink out of a small bottle.

"WAIT. A. SECOND." Harry stopped in his path, and Ron came to a halt right behind him. "Santa, what is that you're drinking?"

"I don't know, but it's definitely not pumpkin juice, HO HO HO let's go!" Santa said quickly, and started limping..._limping_.

"SANTA!" Harry yelled behind him. "Why are you LIMPING? Aren't you all right?"

"Oh, dear God," Dumbledore said, appearing next to Harry. "That's no pumpkin juice. That would be Polyjuice Potion. STUPENDO!" Dumbledore fired something out of his wand at Santa, and the bottle flew out of his hand. Ron dashed over to the bottle before the dazed Santa could retrieve it, and Harry stood jealously, wishing he could do magic.

"It changes him, my Daddy told me," Ron explained. "He's not really Santa. He's an impersonator."

"But...who _is _he, then?" Harry asked, mystified.

Something else shot out of Dumbledore's wand and Harry saw that Santa started fighting with himself, and coughing, and...changing, until he turned into a young man who was licking at the air like a dog.

"Barty Crouch Junior," Dumbledore said, and Harry could not mistake the contempt in his voice. "What are you doing, impersonating Santa?"

"It is...it is a long story," Barty Crouch Jr. growled. "Why ... it is HARRY POTTER! Fate has brought the infamous - "

"You already used that line on me," Harry scowled. "Tell me something I don't know."

"Well, someone's a little _feisty_," Crouch hissed, and then he brought a bottle out of his leather robes and took a sip of what was in it.

"Polyjuice Potion...again?" Dumbledore asked, bewildered. "But I thought you were - " Without further ado, he took his wand out and swished it at Barty Crouch Jr., or what was supposed to be Barty Crouch Jr.

Barty Crouch Jr. began choking and wrestling with himself, and then suddenly he transformed into something that made Harry, Ron, and Dumbledore gasp in horror. The bottom of their mouths touched the floor and Harry shuddered underneath his cloak.

"IT'S A HAMSTER!" Ron screamed. "RUNNNNN!"

**Heh. I still like hamsters.**

**Gale**


	12. Harry Meets Santa Claus

**Oh my god you guys, I just got the most amazing news...one of my reviewers told me that this story was read on the NEWS in Australia? Oh my god. That just made my life. Thank you sooo much for telling me, and thanks to the people on the show for reading it out loud - I superly appreciate it! *glows***

Harry crashed a giant snowball as he was rushing down the mountain. Whipping his hair around, he staggered backwards and started sliding down the mountain.

"Harry!" Ron was screaming. "Grab on to me! I won't let that hamster hurt you!"

"I'm _fine_," Harry said, somewhat annoyed. He hated it when people bothered to look out for him. "I _swear_, Ron. Just make sure _you _don't get attacked by that marvelous creature!"

"I'm using one of Fred and George's love potions!" he shouted over the howling wind, skidding to a halt near a large fir tree.

"Who's Fred and George? Are they your brothers? And_ what _did you use?" Harry said incredulously. "Ron, who did you use it on?"

"Don't worry, I only used it on Dumbledore," Ron said, rolling his eyes as if Harry should obviously know what he did. "See? I'm not as stupid as you were thinking after all, now am I, Harry?"

"Wait…who did the other half go on?"

"The hamster! _Duh_!"

Just then Harry realized the effect of what Ron had done.

"RON, YOU IDIOT!" he bellowed. "YOU JUST MADE A HAMSTER FALL IN LOVE WITH THE HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS!"

"I did?" Ron flushed a deep red. "Oops! I'm sorry…but Harry, how do you know so much about potions? You're not even a wizard!"

"Who knows," Harry said darkly. "I may be." Before Ron could question him about his strange statement, he asked Ron, "Where is Dumbledore, by the way?"

Ron shrugged, and then plummeted down the side of the mountain as someone crashed into him and sent him flying.

"HERMIONE!" Harry screamed in joy, and then rushed down the mountain to where Ron and Hermione were trying to untangle their arms and legs.

"Hermione, what the FLIPPIT are you doing here?" Harry asked in awe. Hermione was perfectly dressed, as if she was going to a formal party. She was wearing a dress, stilettos, long earrings, and a black Burberry coat. "And where the flippit did you get those clothes?"

Ron was too busy staring at Hermione, so she shoved him aside. "Quit staring, Ron, it's sort of awkward, you know." She flipped her hair. "I got these from the nearest Aberforth & Filch. There was one on the way here, you know. You guys should have stopped by…" – she paused, wrinkling her nose – "and gotten some new clothes. Seriously, your sense of style – "

"Oh, shut up," Ron snapped. "I have a tremendously fabulous sense of style."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "And so do I. You just can't appreciate it."

"I can _too_," Hermione tossed her head. "Anyways, what have we going on here, boys? Some magical mischief? I saw you two arguing from back there."

"Well, Ron sort of…er…made Dumbledore and a hamster fall in love," he said, looking away from Hermione. I don't know where they are right now…"

"Wow, seriously?" Hermione looked Ron up and down in disdain, and put a stick of gum in her mouth. "Well that's not too cool, is it, now."

"Nope," Harry sighed. "I don't know what we're going to do about it, but once the love potion wears off, Dumbledore's going to be in a fury. And you know that Ron just can't even take the blame – "

"I can _too_," Ron interrupted angrily. "You two are _too much_." With that, he stalked off towards a building visible in the distance.

…A Building?

"OMG LOOK!" Harry yelled. "It's a BUILDING! Do you think that's where Santa's casino is? Because, like, it looked totally awesome enough to be!"

Hermione smiled and took his arm. "Probably," she whispered in Harry's ear, which sent shivers down his spine. The two of them walked behind the steaming Ron, who got a hundred times madder after taking one look at the "couple" behind him.

Finally, Harry just got too uncomfortable. "Hermione, we're like brother and sister, but I don't think…" he started.

"SHUSH!" Hermione hissed, and pulled him closer to her. "I'm not _trying _to do this, smart one! I'm trying to make Ron jealous! Now put your arm around me!"

"Uhm…"

"DO IT!"

So Harry tenderly put an arm around Hermione, who coughed just loud enough for Ron to turn around and watch them.

And that was the last straw.

"OH MY GOD!" Ron screamed, running up to Harry and Hermione. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! HERMIONE, DOES IT TAKE THAT MUCH TO SEE THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU?"

"Needer needer boo boo!" Hermione stuck her tongue out at Ron. "What _ever_, you know? I'd _totally _rather go for the _chosen _one."

That made tears come to Ron's eyes, and he backed away from both of them, just walking slow enough to not fall over and trip on his shoelaces. Hermione finally felt just a bit sorry for him, and let go of Harry. She ran down to Ron, hugged him tightly, and told him what she was trying to do. Harry heard an elated laugh low conversation, and knew that Hermione had said the right thing. All he needed to do now was find that one girl…Luna Lovegood…who had caught his eye in Voldemort's birthday group of invitees…

"OH HELLO, HARRY!" Harry heard someone say loudly, and he shrieked and ran backwards when he saw the large face of Dumbledore in front of him. "HO HO HO," Dumbledore laughed. "WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"Professor Dumbledore, you can stop shouting now," Harry said, wincing. "It is sort of hurting my ears."

"Oh yes?" Dumbledore asked innocently. "So it is! Are you coming to my workshop now, Mr. Potter?"

"Wait a second…" Harry hesitated, gathering all the details of what had been going on for the last few minutes. "Are you meaning to say that _you're_…Santa Claus? Like, _the _Santa Claus?" Harry ask, befuddled.

"Ah yes, I am he," Dumbledore/Santa said gravely. "It has always been me."

"So…" Harry was still having trouble recognizing that his childhood hero was a delusional old man in love with a hamster – "_You're the famous Santa Claus?_"

"I am," Dumbledore confirmed once again. "Welcome to my world."

**I'm still dazed. Please. Reviews. :D**

**Gale**


	13. The Workshop Of Doom

**Did you guys see the 7th movie? Definitely the best so far. Can't wait till the 2nd part!**

**I screamed at the Bathilda Bagshot part, btdubs. The whole theater stared at me. It was awkk.**

"Follow me," Dumbledore/Santa Claus ordered, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione fell in line behind him silently as he walked to his...workshop. As Harry squinted, he could see that the workshop was completely red-and-greenwashed, and little elves danced around merrily making wooden nutcrackers and beady-eyed blast-ended skanks.

"Don't stare," Hermione told Harry. "It's rude."

"Hi!" One elf skipped up to the trio. "I'm Peeves. Want me to show you around the workshop?"

"Yes please," Ron giggled happily, clutching Hermione's hand in glee. Hermione rolled her eyes, nodded, and the two of them looked at Harry.

"Me?" he asked. "Well...I think it's a brilliant idea."

Dumbledore nodded his approval, and Peeves guided them to the giant double-doors that led to the inside. The elves who were working outside gave Harry, Hermione, and Ron strange looks, but none of them were bothered; they had always received the same looks throughout their lives.

Peeves walked on ahead and typed in a long, complicated number, humming "Jingle Bells" as he typed. At the end of half-an-hour, he was finished unlocking the doors, and the gigantic slabs of metal slowly creaked open. Harry's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he took in the sight in front of him.

"Wickeeeeeed," Ron whispered.

Behind the doors was an enormous staircase, completely painted red and green. Sparkles and snowflakes drifted in the air everywhere, and small wooden tables with elves gathered around, banging on nails and stuffed blast-ended skanks.

What really surprised Harry was not the appearance of Santa *cough* Dumbledore's workshop, but the elves themselves...they were not regular elves, but rather _house _elves. Harry didn't even know how he knew about house elves, but he knew that he knew that he didn't know even though he knew he didn't know about house elves. So to clarify his point he asked Peeves:

"What is a house elf?"

Peeves gave him a queer look. "Um...the things you're looking at? Here, let me introduce you to my best friend, Dobby! Hi, Dobby!" he exclaimed to an brown, smooth-skinned elf. Dobby returned his smile and looked at Harry.

"Why, it is...Harry Potter...the _chosen _one! How delightful! Dobby must always guard Harry and his friends! But...he must guard Harry and his friends after he guards his Lucius Malfoy."

"WHO is this Lucius Malfoy, and how dare he force you to guard him before me?" Harry shouted. "I shall seek him, and KILL him!"

"Actually," Peeves coughed, "Dobby guards Lucius 'cuz Lucius is his girlfriend. Reason, reason."

"Ohhhh," Harry blushed. "Sorry, Dobby. I totally didn't mean to talk about killing your girlfriend. Really, I think he might be quite the majestic type. Do you mind taking me to this delightful Lucius Malfoy, so I can shake his hand and talk to him?"

"But of _course_!" Dobby shrieked in happiness. "Dobby must _always _help Harry Potter and his friends!"

"But I thought you guys were going to see the rest of the workshop?" Peeves asked, somewhat annoyed. "I think you should. Besides, Lucius is somewhat of a bore. All he does is think of names to name his coming child."

"Mr. Malfoy is having...a..._baby_?" Harry asked incredulously. Ron looked as if he might puke, and Hermione turned green.

"No, no, no, _no_," Peeves said, rolling his eyes. "Dobby and Lucius are going to _adopt _a baby. It's going to be a girl, and dear lord...you must not laugh at _any _of the names that Lucius suggests; he may put the 'eat slugs' spell on you."

"Shoot," Harry said boldly.

"All right," Dobby grinned. "Hmm. What was the list? Oh yes. There was Lily and Angelina, which I think are quite normal. The less normal ones are Crookshanks, Twizlki, Hedwiga, Rubiusa, Gonagalla, and Meow."

Ron gave a snort, and Hermione looked skeptically at Dobby. "You know, I think I like Meow," Harry said, trying his hardest to hold back his laughter at the hideous names. It made him want to pull Lucius Malfoy, whoever he was, into a hug.

Suddenly, Dumbledore came bounding into the room on the back of a fat flying woman. "Harry, meet your Aunt," he smirked. "I found her flying in the sky, screaming for help, so I decided to ride her into my workshop! You see, I have a whole collection of fat, flying muggles whom I ride on the backs of every day! See, this one here...her name is Franny Granger. She was overweight, so I turned her into a balloon."

"M-m-m-m-MOM?" Hermione screamed, and ran towards her mother, who Dumbledore was holding by the collar. "LET HER GO, YOU CRACKPOT OLD FOOL! LET! HER! _GO_! RIGHT NOW! OR I CALL THE POLICE!"

At that moment, Hagrid shimmered into existence in front of Hermione. "No one insults Albus Dumbledore in front of me," he said in such a scary voice, it made Harry shiver and notice goosebumps on his arm.

"But Hagrid, you hated Dumbledore before," Harry reminded him.

"Oh yeah, that's right," Hagrid said, scratching his chin. "KILL HIM!"

**Reviews? Pretty please? With whipped cream and a cherry on top? LOVE YOUS.**

**Gale**


	14. Under Fluffy's Furry Foot

**I am now sincerely apologizing. It has been...what. 6 months? That's it, 6 months since my last update? Oh. My. God. I cannot apologize enough for the huge delay. So in return for that, I will update...IMMEDIATELY. With a nice, BIG chapter. I even have to go back and read some of the last chapter to REMEMBER what the story was about...O_O LOL. But without further delay, I will begin this long-awaited chapter.**

**And thanks soooooo much for the amazing reviews while I was gone. I really appreciate it!(:**

Hermione started weeping. She fell to her knees and clutched at her mother.

"Mom!" she cried in anxiety. "Mom! MOM! Come back to me, oh, my love, COME BACK TO MEEEE!"

"I thought _I _was yours!" Ron sniffled. "Out of all the sexy men in the world, you choose your MOM? That's not fair. Truly, that's not fair at all. I've never been this badly hurt."

"Come on," Harry laughed, patting Ron on the back. "I mean, what the flippit. Let's go meet this jolly old Lucius. I think I'll really like this man. Or...woman?"

"Man," Dumbledore confirmed, crushing a chocolate chip cookie in his hand and stuffing it into his mouth. He poured a glass of milk into his piehole to accompany the crushed cookie.

"All right. Dobby, take Harry Potter and his friends to meet this...Lucius Malfoy," Harry crooned in a baby voice.

"Damn you," Dobby suddenly shouted in anger. "Just because Dobby is fun-sized doesn't mean you treat him like a toddler!" He humphed and stomped his foot on the ground. "It's not FAIR. Dobby's a big boy."

Harry shrugged and calmed Dobby by rubbing his back lovingly. Finally, Dobby snapped his fingers and called out to the group. "Come with Dobby, Harry and his friends. Dobby will take you to his girlfriend."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, accompanied by Albus Dumbledore/Santa Claus and Hermione's now-freed mother and Hagrid, started walking behind the beaming Dobby.

Hagrid was grumbling in misery - he hadn't convinced a single person to even lay a hand on the great Dumbledore - the much-loved childhood fantasy. He also hadn't managed to alleviate Hermione's pain at seeing her mother blown up like a balloon.

Dobby led them down several lengthy corridors. Elves were working, chopping wood, drilling metal, stuffing blast-ended skanks, and creating the most brilliant toys.

"Bloody hell," Ron gasped. "This is bloody brilliant!"

"Dobby knows, right!" Dobby exclaimed. "Here, just follow Dobby...his dear one is contained right below Fluffy..."

A gigantic, three-headed dog, covered in patched oily-black fur, was whinnying and clawing at the ground. It was jumping up and down, and the Earth shook with its weight. Harry was thrown up into the air by the moving ground, and then back down.

"Aahh..." Dobby seemed to be at a loss of words. "Dobby and his friends must come back sometime when Fluffy is asleep. It would be impossible to convince him to let Dobby and his friends pass..."

"NO FEAR, 'AGRID IS HERE!" Hagrid shouted, jumping a summersault in the air and landing right in front of fluffy with a ukulele in his hand. "I know _exactly _how to make Fluffy sleep. Jus' play some perfect 'awaiian tunes, and he'll be snoring li' Dumbledore!"

Fluffy barked, whinnied, oinked, and tried to snap Hagrid's head off. Hagrid, however, moved with perfect agility towards the trapdoor and started to play.

"HA-AY! WHOOOOOA! WHOOOOOOOOA! Your LIP. STICK. STAAAAINS!...on the front lobe of my LEFT. SIDE. BRAAAINS!"

"Hagrid has brains?" Dumbledore asked in awe. "I didn't know that! I think I'll have to borrow some from him. HEY, KINGSLEY!"

Kingsley appeared to give Dumbledore a bear-hug just as Fluffy collapsed to the ground in a fit of snores. "Wow!" Kingsley said in wonder. "Did _Hagrid _do that?"

Dumbledore nodded and smirked. "Pshh, it's soooo nothing! I could've been able to do that, EASILY."

"You might not like him, Dumbledore..." Kingsley said with a half-smile in his face. "But you gotta admit that Hagrid's got _style_."

"WHAT? But in the Order of the Phoenix, you said that _I _had style! What a double-back-stabbing little SKREWT you are!" Dumbledore sniffed, and his eyes got large and watery.

"COME ON!" Harry shouted, realizing that they were all wasting too much time in the midst of drama. "Let's go into the trapdoor! I mean, I _really _wanna meet this Lucius Malfoy!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, HARRY?" Dumbledore shouted, trying to make fun, but Harry mistook is for real anger. As usual, his own fury level rocketed up for no reason at all.

"Umm, DUMBLEDORE?" he shouted in rage. "How DARE you talk to me like that? I mean, what the FLIPPIT! You may be the headmaster of Hogwarts and all, but do you know who my FATHER is?"

"Your father is dead," Dumbledore replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Well, he REINCARNATED. NOW do you know who he is?"

"...no?"

"RUMBLEROAR. The headmaster of PIGFARTS. And Pigfarts is WAAY better than Hogwarts, last time I checked!"

"...so your father reincarnated as a lion?"

"Yes."

"Lowely."

Ronald Weasley finally came to the rescue. "Come ON, guys," he whined, breaking up the fight. "Let's go! We have to meet Lucius! Maybe he can tell us how to go back home, too!"

"OMG! Yeah!" Harry agreed, and commenced to sliding the trapdoor open and jumping in. Everyone followed. Once he was done flying through the air, he found himself landing on top of a large, snarey plant that used its long, disturbing arms to grasp his neck.

He felt Ron drop in beside him, and start screaming.

"Calm down," Hermione shouted from above. "That's called Devil Hair. Just calm down, relax, and let yourself go through!"

"Hermione? ...how often do devils shampoo?"

"About once every sixty years," she replied, and Harry crinkled his nose in distaste. "No wonder he smells like Dumbledore shit!" Suddenly, he felt himself being squeezed harder and harder. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and felt himself falling...falling...falling...

...until he touched something so sharp, it made blood gush into his mouth. He felt something stick and wet slide over him and he felt something sniff him until he felt all the oxygen near him being taken away.

He had landed in a basilisk's mouth.

**Reviews, and I'll update soon! Thankies! -Gale**


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